After another weekend spent suffering over the fact that I can't write for shit, or at least can't write my unannounced OGN with my super-talented artist, I told my editor/"co-writer" that maybe they should find someone to replace me.
Considering I'm unpublished, not very good, and not in the position to set myself up for future work by bailing on my first real gig, that probably wasn't the smartest of moves.
I've been really bummed since getting back from New York for a lot of reasons. It's been a tough two weeks and I've done a lot of reevaluating of my station in life. I think for the past several months, I put my eggs all in one basket. I decided to go full steam ahead with comics, and dedicate everything I was doing to it. Sure, I was going to work on those spec pilots in the background, but in 2 months it will have been a year since I graduated, and I haven't written so much as a title page for any of them. Hell, I'm barely watching movies as it is.
It would be fine if comics were the be all and end all of my universe. But the more I read, the less I like. And while my career is going great - no 22 year-old should be in the position I'm in - it's not the career I want for my life. I want to be a writer. I don't want to manage schedules and traffic art and be a babysitter. I'd be in a better position as a writer if I could finish anything. The problem is, I'm not writing what I want to. I said yes to two opportunities because I thought they were what I wanted so I could use them as stepping stones, but instead they've both become albatrosses. Artists hard at work telling stories I've grown out of favor with, and me scrambling to try and come up with something that will live up to my expectations and their skill.
I need to figure out what the hell I'm doing with my life, and I need to figure it out fast. This is a crisis. I need time to write, and time is the one thing I don't have. If I had money, I could have time, and then maybe I would actually write. I just wish I had something could believe in. Right now I don't believe in much. Not myself, not my ideas, and certainly not my writing. But I know all it would take is the right sentence. The right turn of phrase or combination words and I could kill myself all over again to make something happen.
People are defined by how they react to crises. How will I react to one of my own making? Who will I disappoint with my decisions?