HOW PRETEND TO BE AN EDITOR AN EDITOR AT HOME
by Stephen Wacekr-Ask a friend to go to her computer and to start sending 250-350 e-mails to you.
-Mark each of them HIGH PRIORITY.
-Find 17-23 people, each of whom you need to make happy. Pretend they’re all under contract to you and ask them too call with very legitimate questions and concerns… many of which have to do with money so you feel even more pressured (If at least one of them only speaks another language…all the better!)
-As the e-mails are “ding”ing into your mailbox, spill coffee on your shirt (VERY IMPORTANT EDITORIAL RULE I LEARNED THE HARD WAY #459: Don’t put original art on your desk when there are any drinks around…or fountain pens…or me.)
-Next, have someone play an assistant editor who’s generally more on the ball than you are and ask them to compile a couple dozen questions that another department needs answered so they can work on a budget.
-Answer one e-mail while being spoken to.
-As more questions are asked by the assistant, answer the phone.
-Grab a pile of papers and pretend it’s 32 pages of the greatest super-hero in the world and you have 20 minutes to make sure there are no mistakes before it has to go to the Bullpen to be composited for the printer.
-Open an e-mail pointing to an internet thread asking for you to be fired.
-Ding, it’s another e-mail, you failure.
-Try to start reading a script.
-Read page one 14 times as various calls and e-mails keep “ding”ing.
-If things are going right in this simulation, you will get interrupted by a…let’s call him Schom Krevoort who will remind you of a meeting in 10 minutes to discuss a very important spreadsheet.
-Read page one again. It’s a great page one.
-Make wish for a future filled with one page comics.
-Leave for meeting with list of three major things that must be done today, so other people can do their jobs.
-Don’t forget to call British talent early. They’re 5 hours ahead.
-Receive final proof of issue going to press right now.
-Find glaring error in it.
-Weep like Warren Ellis at a pub with no Wi-Fi.
-Wonder if you’re any good at this job in the first place.
-Be told “you could act like a man” Don Corleone style by Tom…I mean Schom.
-Artist just called. You forgot to send paper, ya idiot.
-Read that page one again…dip into one panel of page two.
Get asked by a comic news site to answer 457 questions, most of which assume you’re a dullard to start.
-Spend 5-10 minutes discussing old comic story you liked with the 34 people you share an office with.
Have an awesome conversation with artist or writer you’ve admired for years. Learn something new about your Editor-in-Chief when he was breaking in.
-Remember why you love this job.
-Ding. Ding. Ding. Ding.
-Notice you misspelled your own name up at the top of this. Good editing, creep.